The Day My Life Changed forever Essay Example for Free

The Day My Life Changed forever Essay I had been awaiting her arrival for a long 9 months. Saying I was over ridden with joy was an untruth I was afraid to bare, So I put on a smile and pretended that the arrival of my first child was going to be a good experience. Truth be told I knew my life was about to change forever and I wasnt sure I was going to be a good mother. All these doubts running through my mind was almost draining out the pain of the inconsistent contractions in my belly, my head started spinning a little with the what ifs and possibilities of failure heightened by the anticipation of my Daughters arrival. I felt so alone even though I was surrounded by my family, I knew better than anyone that this burden would be mine alone, to bare for a lifetime. It was October 4th 2006 about 6:30 pm when the first contraction started. I was at home and had just got done eating dinner. It was the beginning of evening, and the sky was still bright from the sunset behind the mountains. The skies were almost clear with just a few clouds overhead. The house was calm and quiet, unlike the storm brewing inside my mind. Carried away and consumed in my own thoughts and fears, I almost didnt even notice the pain from the first contraction. I kept on with the clean up from dinner ignoring what I feared for more than 9 months, but when the second one came, my fear and knowledge of what was to come nearly consumed me. I immediately ignored the contractions and decided for a brief moment that it was gas and I was just imagining things. I decided that I would continue my house work and see how long I could go without informing my [then] husband. So I started to organize and straighten things in the house all the while my mind was going 300 miles per hour. I was consumed with worry and guilt because I knew that the truth of the situation was I was not ready to be a mother. I wanted more from my life then to just be a mother and a wife. I wanted a career, education, and experience, before I had to hand it all over and give up my freedom. It was a little too late for that now my Daughter was coming weather I liked it or not. I knew the contractions were not yet consistent so I hoped maybe this was just the pre-labor pains I was experiencing, and they would eventually subside and go away. I couldnt have been more wrong. My husband arrived home that evening around 8:30 pm and was exhausted from a long days work. He had been working two jobs lately to support us and prepare for the arrival of our baby. He sat defeatingly on the couch as if life had consumed him all day and he couldnt take one more bit of disappointing news. He looked so tired I didnt want to inform him of the long night I knew was ahead of us. His hair was disheveled, his face looked long and tired and his eyes were sad and dark. I wondered if our baby would look like him, maybe she would get this thick curly hair, or his tanned brown skin. Maybe she would have those big sad eyes with long eyelashes, or his cute rounded nose. I hope she had his smile. That is what I fell in love with, and those big beautiful sad eyes. Then maybe loving her would come easier. As I looked at my husband sitting on the couch nodding off to sleep, I almost didnt want to wake him and be the bearer of bad news. Let him sleep I thought he has had a hard day. These pains were becoming so intense I couldnt ignore them for much longer so I decided to time them before I disturbed him. I looked at the time and it was 8:45 pm. Here comes another, I held my breath and counted to 10, and then the pained eased, then ceased. I looked at the time, oh NO, it was 8:47 and here came another one. One two three, breath. I can’t keep this up much longer I think its time to tell him. I walked over and sat next to him on the couch, he opened his eyes and before I could say a word he noticed the tears in my eyes. †Whats wrong he asked? † with a look of worry on his face. I knew once I opened my mouth the truth was going to scare him so I thought I’d choose my words wisely to have a more positive effect, but before I could say anything the pain was back, and this time I closed my eyes and groaned, as my belly tightened. One two three, breath. I opened my eyes and the look of fear on his face was only there for a moment, he quickly smiled with excitement and asked if it was time. I told him yes and that I had been timing the contractions for about 15 mins and they were getting stronger and more consistent. He decided that we were going to the hospital and I called my best friend for a ride. After that everything became very chaotic. I wasn’t sure which was making me sick the pains from the contractions or the thought of everything that could go wrong. I was about to meet my child and was overcome with fear. I wondered why I wasn’t overjoyed, like other women described with their anticipation. Instead the fear and pain was starting to eat me alive. This burden I could not share with anyone, for fear of judgement. I couldn’t tell my best friend that I truly didnt want to be a mother and that I was sick with the idea of the responsibility. How was I supposed to reveal that this child growing inside of me was more of a burden than a blessing. What women would understand my feelings without judging me, or thinking I am a selfish women. I knew none of them understood because this was my duty as a wife and a woman. I felt guilty for wanting a different life and for thinking of my unborn child as a burden. An innocent life was about to be my responsibility and I wasnt ready. I wanted to scream and run away, this fear was too much. When my best friend arrived she was excited and happy. She was pregnant too and due three months from now. She kept saying we would remember this experience for a lifetime and how glad she was to be here with me for the birth of my first child. Her and my husband talked and and seemed very happy while we got things together to go to the hospital. I couldnt understand why I wasnt excited like them or happy that I was about to meet my first child. Instead my mind was going in circles trying to make sense of it all. All the different possibilities of how things could go wrong was scaring me more then anything else. I couldnt imagine How I could be happy at a time like this. Finally we were getting in the car. I started trying to calm my thoughts and counter them with rational thoughts, As the pain came and went the fear inside my mind stayed consistent and started to grow stronger. I could feel every bump on the road as if it were a bat beating against my pelvic bone. By the time we got to the hospital I was starting to cry. I wasnt sure if it was from the pains or if my fear and emotions had gotten the best of me, but it scared my husband and best friend so they started hurrying me out of the car. The hospital admitted me right away and got me in a birthing room quickly. The room was big and impressive for a hospital. It was very comfortable, there was a pink couch that ran against an entire wall. There was three green chairs for my guests and all of them reclined. The walls were painted blue, and wall papered with a pink blue and green contemporary design. My husband was really impressed with the 47 inch flat screen television on the wall with all the cable channels a man could want. There was large wooden storage cabinets that looked like an entertainment center urrounding the large TV on the wall. I had my own private bathroom with a jacuzzi bathtub. My favorite part was the oversized window with the view of the city. It felt more like a hotel room rather than a hospital birthing room. As I undressed and lie on the bed I keep thinking this is all happening too fast and I just want my mom. So my best friend decided to go pick her up. the doctor came in and checked my cervix to see how far I was dilated and informed me that I wasn barely at 2 cm. She asked if my water had broke yet, and I told her no. She said they would monitor me for a while but if my water didnt break then they would have to send me home. So I began to walk hoping it would increase my contractions and allow my water to break. My mother arrived quickly and gave me a great deal of comfort and reassurance. She rubbed me on the back and held my hand as we walked while she recounted the birth of my brothers and I. She told me how proud she was of me and that everything was going to work out just fine. She said that I was going to make such a great mother and went on and on about how my daughter would change my life as I had changed hers. Of course this made me feel even worse about my own thoughts and yet I still couldnt understand why I was feeling so selfish and scared about becoming a mother. We walked for a while and then my feet grew tired so my mother thought we could try a warm bath. So we went back to my room and I got in the bath in my room . We had been there for hours already and nothing seemed to be happening, I began to get frustrated with the progress of this event I was exhausted and wanted this to be over with already. The Doctor came in and checked again to see if I had dilated any more and I seemed to be at a standstill. The Doctor decided to send me home because I wasnt dilating. So I went home I was angry and frustrated and just wanted this to be over with a already I wasnt sure I could bear this pain for much longer but I knew this was involuntary and I just had to deal with it the way it was. We got home around 12:30am and decided to try and get some sleep I was so restless from the pain that I couldnt find a comfortable position to sleep tossing and turning over and over again I thought I might go crazy. I finally found a comfortable position and nodded off to sleep. I was sleeping for maybe and hour when a sharp pain woke me from my sleep. This contraction was more intense than the others but I wasnt sure it was going to make a difference. I lie there in my bed awake and still wondering if the pain would return, and sure enough it did . One two Three breath, I counted out loud and this time I felt the pain in my back as well. I knew these pains were different, and as I considered waking my husband to tell him, I felt a gush of water coming from between my legs. I quickly woke my husband up and told him â€Å"My water just broke†. He jumped up and ran to get the phone. We both knew that this time it was real. He called his mom to come get us and I got up and got dressed. I noticed as I was cleaning myself up that the water was green and had a funny smell. When I realized the seriousness of that I called to my husband. Went he came into the room and I showed his he didnt understand why, it could be a bad thing so I explained about women who go past their due date sometimes the baby defecates inside the womb and if the child ingests that bacteria I could be very dangerous to their health. I knew this because this happened to a friend of mine a few years before, her baby was very sickly for six months and then lost her battle when the infection took the childs life. Would this happen to my baby too I wondered? His mother arrived then and we started towards the door. Then the pain came again, One two three, breath. The pain increased so much that I was doubled over in tears. I was no extremely scared that my thoughts, doubts, and selfish thinking was going to cost my childs health. Now the guilt set in and I started praying. Oh Lord please dont let my baby be sick. I swear I will do the best I can if you just give me a good chance and a healthy baby. Please dear God hear my desperate plea. We arrived at the hospital again and this time I was in so much pain I asked for the epidural I couldnt do this naturally what was I thinking. I needed some pain medication because this was awful . The nurse came in to give me an IV. She poked me so many times that I started to cry again. She missed the vein three times and once she blew a bubble in my arm. I started yelling at her and asked for a different nurse. A new nurse came in and gave me and IV in her first try. I asked again for an epidural and the nurse checked to see how dilated I was. I was dilated to 4cm so she said she would call the anesthesiologist. The anesthesiologist came and had to put a long needle in my spine, to feed the medicine for the epidural. I had to sit really still and couldn’t move. Again I was scared but I felt much better holding on to my husband and my mom. After the medicine took effect I was feeling much better. The pain was now manageable and I could get some sleep. After an hour the Doctors came in to talk to me. They said that the epidural slowed my contractions and they wanted to give me a shot of pitocin to increase my contractions. I agreed and told them about the color when my water broke. They said they would keep a close eye on me and the baby. I decided to get some sleep. I was still scared of becoming a mother and was struggling with my thoughts of being selfish and worry of not being a good mother. But now the thoughts of worry had taken over and I was concerned for my childs health. I kept thinking that what if while we were waiting for my body to dilate my baby was getting sick inside me and I could be losing her. I thought of how selfish I had been throughout my pregnancy, and how I would feel if I had a sickly child or even worse a still born. My thoughts were running wild while my family sat around in the room sharing stories of love family and children. I couldnt help but envy them and their happiness. I wondered if I would ever have that happiness and share stories with my children like that. I feared I wouldnt instead that I would always be selfish and resent my life and wish for my freedom. The worst part was how could I expect my child to love me if I was a selfish women. Was I capable of being a good mother even though I was feeling so selfish and resentful. I layed there for about 7 hours with little progress in the labor. It had already been 24 hours since my first contraction and I was feeling a lot of pressure in my pelvic bone. I called for the Doctor and she said I was only dilated to 8cm and that I hadnt been dilating for three hours. I told her that I felt sick and wanted a c section. She strongly advised me against it. I insisted that something was wrong and if I was supposed to have the baby naturally that my body would still be dilating. She finally agreed and brought me the forms to sign. She told my family that only one person was allowed in the room with me because it was surgery. I picked my husband and she gave him a sterile gown to put on with a cap and gloves. This was it I was about to see my baby for the first time. I was scared and excited at the same time it was like a bittersweet feeling but I just wanted to meet her I was exhausted from the anticipation already and was really anxious. hey took me into the delivery room and strapped me to this board and put a curtain over me. I could feel them tugging and pulling my belly but it was numb so it was sort of like an out of body experience. I lay there asking over and over if everything was okay. My husband held my hand tightly and reassured me everything and fine. It felt like an eternity lying there not knowing if she was going to be alright or if my thoughts had caused something to go badly or if I was going to have a sick baby. They called my husband to go cut the umbilical cord and I just laid there in what felt like purgatory, and seemed like an eternity . Then I saw them take her over to the pediatric table and she wasnt crying yet I started crying because I hadnt heard her cry yet I thought something was wrong. Just as I was asking if she was ok I heard her cry. Tears of relief streamed down my face. They cleaned her up and my husband brought her over to me to see her. She was beautiful, she had dark black hair cute little brown slanted eyes like mine , big chubby cheeks and her daddys nose. I fell in love with her immediately and all the worry and selfish thoughts were gone. She was an angel and God sent her to me. It took awhile for me to recovery and be able to hold her but once she was in my arms I couldnt let her go. I knew that being a good mother to her would be the most significant thing I could ever do in my entire life. I promised myself that day that no matter what feelings I have I was going to be the best mother I could possibly be to her. I would always put her first even when I didnt want to and I would always make sure she is safe and loved. That day My life changed. That Day I went from being a selfish women to being a mother of a beautiful little girl . She will always be one the best thing that ever happened to me.